


Dinner with the Addams Kids

by midas_touch_of_angst



Series: A Series of Unfortunate Events - One Shots [9]
Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV), A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket, Addams Family (TV 1964), Addams Family - All Media Types
Genre: Addams Family Levels of Violence, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Addams Family Fusion, Gen, Halloween, Inspired by Addams Family, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 13:21:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21254045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midas_touch_of_angst/pseuds/midas_touch_of_angst
Summary: “Why would your mother ban you from such a lovely place as this?” Fiona asked, sitting beside Klaus and fiddling with the remains of a cobweb she’d found.“She doesn’t see it as lovely.” Isadora sighed.Duncan and Klaus were sitting against another gravestone, with Duncan playing with Klaus’s hands, while the Addams boy said, “Well, if she thinks her house is pretty, what with its ‘minimalism’ and ‘flowers’ and-”“It might’ve been better if you and Violet hadn’t tried to stab each other over dinner.” Isadora suggested, leaning on Fiona’s shoulder and taking a quick photo of the two of them, just in case Esme forbid her from seeing them ever again.“Why?” Violet asked. “Too casual?”“We’ll go with that.” Quigley nodded.Halloween One-Shot, Rated T for curse words.





	Dinner with the Addams Kids

**Author's Note:**

> \- ASOUE Addams Family AU: https://unfortunate-stranger-losers.tumblr.com/tagged/addams-family-vfd
> 
> \- Quick headcount: Quagmires are the foster kids of Esmé, and the Baudelaires are the Addams Fam, with Lemony as Parent #3. Fiona is an adopted "cousin" but basically functions as an extra sibling.
> 
> -Duncan roughly correlates to Joel from Addams Family Values, Quigley to Lucas from the musical, and Isadora to Parker in the 2019 film. Violet, Klaus and Sunny roughly correlate to Pugsley, Wednesday and Pubert. Beatrice and Bertrand are roughly Goreticia, while Fiona and Lemony are fusions of several family members.

“We’re so fucked.” Quigley muttered under his breath. 

Esme was already leading them up to the house, though, so it wasn’t like they could back out now. Duncan kept peering into his bag for some reason, while Isadora texted an SOS to her gothic poetry discord. Quigley, meanwhile, was starting to pray that everything went alright and Esme didn’t forbid them from returning to the house. 

He knew _ that _was a false hope. 

Esme rang the doorbell, turning up her nose at the confusing noise. “What kind of a bell is that?” 

“We told you, they’re… unusual.” Quigley said carefully. 

“If you want to back out, they really did only invite us-” Isadora began. 

“No, no. It’s always polite to know your neighbors.” Esme said, waving her hand. They knew that wasn’t her motive; she _ really _ wanted to scope out possible competition for head of the neighborhood, PTA leader, schoolboard’s pet, whatever. Esme hadn’t managed to yet grow out of the mindset of an early 2000s TV highschool popularity hierarchy, and it was probably going to cost her foster children. 

The door opened, and Lemony stared at them, his face as impassive as ever. “Hello, Mr Lemony.” Duncan said cautiously, and then he added, apologetically, “Esme wanted to come along.” 

Lemony simply gestured for them to step inside, and Esme did, shrugging off her coat and tossing it at the coatrack, again turning up her nose at the interior. “Well… you _ certainly _get into the Halloween spirit.” she said, passive-aggressively. 

“We try.” Lemony replied, as the children carefully hung their coats up. 

“Where are the others?” Duncan asked, and Lemony gestured ahead. 

They walked down the hall, into the living room, where Beatrice was sitting in her usual chair, knitting a sweater. She looked up, and she beamed, her face lighting with delight. “Bertrand, darling! The Quagmires have arrived!” 

The children turned, to see Bertrand, standing on his head beside the chair. Esme stared in a rather rude manner, as the man greeted, “Ah! Welcome!” He flipped himself up into a standing position, and immediately grabbed Esme’s hand to shake. “You must be Ms Squalor. You’ve been our neighbor for quite some time, haven’t you?” 

“Yes.” Esme gave herself a forced smile. “To be honest, I thought this house was abandoned.” 

“Why, thank you!” Beatrice stood. “I’ll go get the children; Bertrand, Lemony, dears, can you show them to the dining room?” She started to stand, and then held out the sweater; maybe two feet long, with an extra sleeve sticking out of the neck. “What do you think of this?” 

Lemony moved closer to look at it, while Esme scoffed. “Who’s it for?” 

“Cousin Bleak.” 

“Ah! Well, in that case, he’ll love it.” 

“As beautiful as you are, my love.” Bertrand said, giving his wife a quick kiss on the hand. 

“Darling.” Beatrice stroked his face gently, and then placed her sewing gear on the chair behind her. “I’ll fetch the children from the bat caves.” 

“Bat caves?” Esme asked, aghast. 

“Yes.” Beatrice beamed. “I’m afraid I spend more time there than the children do, but they’re down there right now, making sure the colonies are in order, and well-fed.” 

She turns and left, her long black gown rippling behind her. Bertrand smiled at the guests and said, “Dining room is this way, right by the garden. The children should be here soon- I suppose you’d like to sit together?” 

“If that’s alright.” Isadora said, glancing down at her phone and sending some more _ SOS _ messages after seeing Esme’s expression.

“Of course!” Bertrand said. “Your mother can sit with us.” 

Esme rolled her eyes. “I’m not their mother.” 

Bertrand shared a confused glance with Lemony. “Well,” Lemony said, as they started to walk, “You’ve adopted them, haven’t you?” 

“They’re just in my custody. It’s not like they’re _ my _ kids.” Esme laughed slightly, as Quigley reached to grab Duncan’s shaking hand. “You know how it is.” 

“I’m not quite sure we do.” Bertrand said. 

They made their way to the dining room, and Esme haughtily glared at the array of plants. _ “What _are these?” 

“This is the garden Beatrice and Fiona have been working on!” Bertrand said proudly. 

“The hemlock’s been coming in lovely this year.” Lemony said, as he gestured to Esme where she should sit at the table; beside where Beatrice would be sitting, pretty far removed from the children’s section, almost as if they knew the Quagmires wouldn’t want to sit with her. 

“And the deadly nightshade.” Bertrand added. 

“Deadly… nightshade?” Esme asked suspiciously. 

“Yes. Though the dwarf’s hair is drooping a little.” Lemony said. “Do you have any ideas?” 

“I’ve never raised _ dwarf’s hair.” _Esme huffed. “In fact, I don’t garden. I have a nice, neat front lawn.” 

“We have… noticed.” Bertrand said. 

The door swung open, and Beatrice entered, with her four children quick at her heels. 

“Quigley!” Violet cheered, startling Esme by vaulting over the table to give her friend a hug. 

“Hello, Ms Squalor.” Fiona greeted, holding little Sunny’s hand and carefully directing her to her high-chair, with enough restraints built in to make sure she didn’t escape before dessert. 

Klaus silently walked over to the children’s side of the table, and Duncan, his face going bright red, reached into his bag and pulled out a bundle of rose stems, the flowers plucked off to show off the thorns. He held them out at the other boy, staring very hard at the floor. 

Esme gasped. “Duncan! What is _ that?” _

Klaus blinked, reaching out to take them, as Duncan sputtered, “Um. Th-thorns. Cause you… you guys like those.” 

“Duncan, how-”

Esme was cut off by Beatrice’s squeal. “Oh, Duncan, they’re lovely! Klaus, what do we say?” 

Klaus carefully took the thorns, looking down at the black bow that Duncan had carefully tied. “Thank you.” he said. “I’ll find an urn to put them in.” 

Esme looked aghast, but all Quigley and Isadora were thinking was _ why didn’t Duncan tell us he was bringing stuff, we should have brought something… _

As soon as Klaus turned, though, Duncan shoved a box into Isadora’s hands, and then another into Quigley’s, looking as embarrassed as he could get. Isadora glanced inside her box, before holding it out to Fiona, who had decided to sit across from her. Fiona opened it and beamed. “Rose petals!” she cheered, holding out the flowers that Duncan must have plucked from the thorny stems. “I need these for my flower repellant - thank you!” 

Quigley flushed and turned to Violet, who’d finished strapping Sunny into her highchair. He glanced down at what Duncan had handed him, and relaxed considerably, knowing this was something she’d like. He handed it out, and Violet let out a squeal. 

_ “New Matches!” _she cheered, taking the box and looking them over. She shoved it into her pants pocket, and then once again jumped over the table to tackle-hug Quigley. 

Once she finally got off him and found her seat, and started chatting with Fiona about some kind of spell, Isadora sat beside Duncan and whispered, “Could’ve mentioned we were giving shit.” 

Duncan flushed. “I, um, thought you’d tease me about the bouquet.” 

“Duncan,” Quigley put an arm around his brother, “Of _ course _ we’ll tease you about the bouquet.” 

“Now,” Beatrice said, smiling, “Lemony and I have prepared a nice fricassee of toad!” 

Esme gaped. _ “Toad?” _

“Don’t worry.” Beatrice waved her hand, sitting beside Bertrand. “We know the children are allergic to most poisons, so we’ve found substitutes for them.” 

Quigley bit his lip. “Violet,” he whispered, “Can we sneak out and play in the garden sometime?” 

“During dessert. Our parents’ll have gotten her into a conversation by then, and she won’t notice.” Violet whispered back. She giggled and said, “I’ll show you my new explosives.” 

Quigley beamed. “Sounds good!” 

“She’s gonna ban us from the house.” Isadora groaned. 

During dessert they had, indeed, managed to sneak out, and now the children sat atop a tombstone in the backyard cemetery, while Violet and Sunny crouched on the ground and made final adjustments to her recent explosive. 

“Why would your mother ban you from such a lovely place as this?” Fiona asked, sitting beside Klaus and fiddling with the remains of a cobweb she’d found. 

“She doesn’t see it as lovely.” Isadora sighed. 

Duncan and Klaus were sitting against another gravestone, with Duncan playing with Klaus’s hands, while the Addams boy said, “Well, if she thinks _ her _house is pretty, what with its ‘minimalism’ and ‘flowers’ and-” 

“It might’ve been better if you and Violet hadn’t tried to stab each other over dinner.” Isadora suggested, leaning on Fiona’s shoulder and taking a quick photo of the two of them, just in case Esme forbid her from seeing them ever again. 

“Why?” Violet asked. “Too casual?” 

“We’ll go with that.” Quigley nodded, kicking his legs and turning to Fiona. “And I don’t think she was too fond of the arsenic bowl.” 

“Well, I didn’t know _ she _was allergic.” Fiona said. “She could’ve just said that instead of screaming at me!” 

“I think we’re done with the dynamite.” Violet said, standing up. “Sunny, would you do the honors?” 

“Sorbents!” Sunny said, which meant, _ “Of course!” _

She took a match from Violet, struck it against the side of a nearby grave, and lit the side of the explosive. Violet shepherded everyone behind a large tombstone, and they peered over, waiting for it to go off. 

Sunny peered over at the Quagmires, and asked, “Hocus?” which meant something like, _ “What’ll you do if she does ban you from the house?” _

The Quagmires glanced at each other, considering. Then, Duncan said, “We’ll just have to pack our stuff and move into your attic.” 

“Ooh! Or the playroom. We already have plenty of nailbeds.” 

“We have a bit of difficulty with nailbeds.” Quigley admitted. 

“Don’t worry, we’ll find something.” Violet grinned. “After this, Quig, Imma shoot an apple off your head.” 

“Sounds good.” 

“We can go play dolls, if you want.” Klaus said to Duncan. “Or I can show you our library. Uncle Dashiell haunts it and keeps the butterflies out.” 

“I love libraries.” Duncan nodded. “And your house is always so nice.” 

Klaus nodded at him. “See? Esme didn’t ruin you completely.” 

“And as for you girls,” Fiona put one arm around Isadora, and used the other to scoop up a giggling Sunny, “We’ll go play with Inky!” 

“Ooh, that’ll scare Esme away from us!” Isadora laughed. 

“She doesn’t like snakes?” 

“She doesn’t like anything cool.” 

“Maybe our parents will scare her off.” Violet giggled. “All we have to do is get Mother to say something French and BOOM.” 

Just as she said _ boom, _ the dynamite blew, and the kids cheered as the explosion blasted debris into the sky. 

“Hey, I have another idea.” Violet said, as soon as the noises died down. 

“What?” Isadora asked. 

Violet grinned. “Okay, listen. We put Esme right in the middle of my dynamite field-” 

“Violet, no.” 

“Violet, _ yes!” _

The children eventually ended up gathering in the playroom, after Violet and Quigley stopped playing with arrows, and Klaus and Duncan found some books the latter could borrow without ruining his house. Fiona and Isadora came in last, with Isadora carrying Sunny and Fiona with Ink draped over her shoulders. They could distantly hear Esme calling for them, but they weren’t going to answer until she found them. They wanted to spend as much time as they could. 

“Are you sure you don’t want a turn on the stocks?” Violet asked. “Real relaxing.” 

“We’re fine.” Quigley said. The Quagmires were sitting on the hard bed, while Isadora jotted in her poetry notebook, Sunny on her lap and eating a dull blade. 

“Whatcha writing, Issi?” Fiona asked, as Ink slithered around her. 

Isadora smiled over at the girl, as Klaus and Violet jumped down from their respective torture devices. “Just a couple stanzas. Trying to move outside of couplets a little- this rhyme scheme’s a quatrain, AAAb format. About you guys, and how you rock.” 

“That’s very nice of you.” Klaus said, moving to sit between Duncan and Quigley, carrying his Anne Boleyn doll. 

“You wanna read it?” Violet asked, sitting beside Fiona and petting Ink. 

Isadora shrugged, tossed her hair back, and said, “It’s a bit more like a song, now that I think of it.” she paused; songwriting wasn’t her forté, but she could carry a tune pretty well. “I’ll need a tune.” 

Quigley peered over her shoulder, scanning the lines and smiling. Then he hummed, and said, then leave a little beat, like… he snapped twice. 

“I like the snap.” Klaus said. 

“Me, too!” Fiona said. “Keep the snap.” 

“Really?” 

Isadora tossed her hair again, cleared her throat and sang a little. 

_ “They’re creepy and they’re kooky, _

_ Mysterious and spooky, _

_ They’re altogether ooky, _

_ The Addams Family. _

_ Their house is a museum, _

_ When people come to see em _

_ They really are a scream, _

_ The Addams Family.” _

“Neat!” Sunny cheered. She snapped and added, “Sweet! Petite!” 

Fiona giggled, hugged the girl, and then sang to herself, _ “So get a witch’s shawl on,” _

_ “A broomstick you can crawl on,” _ Violet giggled. 

_ “We’re gonna pay a call on,” _Klaus added.

_ “The Addams Family.” _

They snapped together, and then burst into laughter. 

Once they were done, Violet heard Esme call again, and said, “Listen, if you want me to get rid of her-” 

“Violet, no.” 

“I can do it.” Klaus said. 

_ “Klaus, no!” _


End file.
